I can’t participate…

tornado

Some of you may know that we have had some extreme weather in the Houston area. I live a little north of the main Houston area and on Tuesday evening/Wednesday night we had a tornado just a few miles from our house. I heard the cell phones go off with yet another storm warning (we have had so many recently). I ignored it and the really loud thunder and lightning. The next morning we discovered that a 62 year old woman had been killed in what looked like a pre-fabricated house when a tree fell across her home. I was envious.

I thought, ‘How lovely to die instantaneously with no sickness or problems’. I am 55, so she is hardly much older than me. This is how you feel when you have major depression. My thoughts are filled with death and the longing for it, yet I am not suicidal. I have been unwell for months and my doctor is trying to address it with both an increase and addition in medication. It is working, to some extent, but time is a major factor, as is reducing stress which is out with my capabilities at the moment.

I have a new job and I enjoy it but worry about it incessantly. What if I make a mistake, what if they don’t employ me again? I am trying to be supportive of my husband who is looking for work and setting up a new company but it is as if someone has cut my brain stem. Every so often I come out with a brilliant idea which thrills him but I know I am capable of so much more. Things are beginning to look more positive with the possibility of clients but I don’t care.

My recent cataract surgery has been successful but my chronic dry eye condition has made me feel miserable. I finally went back to the surgeon today and he gave me steroids to help. My husband was with me and thought the surgeon was sympathetic. In my mind, he was saying, “Put your big girl pants on”. This week I got a corporate gratuity from one of the companies I work for (which I suspect everyone got) but I started worrying about how much I had flirted, was it appropriate?

My friends are trying to help me and some are more successful than others. One is constantly giving me encouragement about daring to join the workforce when I feel so ill and others tentatively pace around me. I know that they don’t want to say the wrong thing or upset me but they can’t. My emotions feel deadened and yet raw. I feel as though my life will never be the same again although logically I know it could be even better.

I have been down this path so often that I know I will recover but each time I feel I lose a little bit of myself. I suspect the opposite is true and I evolve into a kinder, more compassionate person after each episode. My blogging is stop/start and then I feel like I am being excluded when that is not the case. When you stop blogging, followers probably think you are busy getting on with life.

I can’t participate right now… but I will join you later.

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56 thoughts on “I can’t participate…

  1. Aww do take care of yourself. I know how rough the Houston weather can get having lived there myself. I think you should focus on being stronger and feeling better. Your blogging friends will always be here whenever you do find time to post. Be well

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Kerry, we are here for you when you are ready. I wish there was something I could do or write that would help and make things better for you. I remember those days and times of depression and I can relate. My heart goes out to you with warm hugs and know that I am here if you need me.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability. It sounds like you’re trying a lot of things to help yourself right now. Blogging is fun, but it can also be another stressor, so it’s understandable that you want to take a break from it. Continue doing those things that make you feel a little better. We will look forward to your return 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Kerry I am alarmed by your post.  I didn’t realize you were feeling so depressed.  Do call me any time please!Liben xx

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  5. This is so beautifully written since it’s so HONEST. It’s seriously brave to talk so candidly about such a difficult time. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to blog regularly….I think the people who value what you write understand you need a break from time to time (especially for your mental health). Ride out the storm, hold on tight, and remember you’ve come out the other end before. And like you said, maybe you lose a little something along the way BUT you’re more compassionate for it.
    Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I’m like you and have been like that for so long. So long that I feel that If this life on earth is all an illusion like science tells us then we don’t really have to be here. Getting out is a different matter and the only way is death which I welcome. I’m a happy individual and live life to the fullest and yet I want to abdicate from this nasty realm. Hang in there life does get better just a matter of finding medication that is a right fit. I’m here for you and just know you are not doing this alone.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Its a private war in your mind that all your allies are rallied waiting outside..
    You are worth waiting for..
    Your posts are worth waiting for..
    We are here 💛

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  8. Thank you for sharing your inner feelings with your readers, and we all hope our comments are helpful to you. Your blog is good, and we will continue to enjoy it when you have the time and energy.
    Please do learn how reach your local crisis intervention center. I’d suggest putting the number in your phone, and call it if you find yourself having dark thoughts.
    You are probably doing well in your job. Virtually every employee I ever had, who tried, was satisfactory or better. You are trying, and that is a good thing.
    You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. For the past week I’ve been staying away from the news so when I turned it on this morning and heard about the weather down your way I was shocked. Apparently there was flash flooding in the Gulf that rose so quickly some people were unable to escape.

    I’m so sorry to hear about how you’re feeling Kerry. I’ve dealt with depression all of my life and each time I think I’ve got this, it takes over yet again. Please take care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Of course I am sad to read this but knowing that you have a fragile mind, I am not surprised. So much in so little time is enough to send the most robust of minds into a spin. Take your time, take food and water and sleep and people (my daughter who suffers, as I do with anxiety, shared this wisdom with me recently – it makes sense) and most of all take the love of those you love and the love of those in your extended community to give you the succour you need to get well xx

    Liked by 2 people

  11. I read your post and was touched by its honesty; I had no idea. My son hid his depression for too long. I have learned that depression is huge, effects millions. I see you have many readers who care about you, its difficult but don’t lose sight of those many people like me whose life you touch albeit in a digital way, if I lived near Houston the hug would be real.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Thank you for sharing so openly with us, Kerry. I am all too familiar with depression and can relate so well to the thought, ‘how lovely to die instantaneously with no sickness or problems.’ I wish you only the very best during your writing hiatus, and will be here whenever you’re ready to return. *BIG HUGS*

    Liked by 1 person

  13. You express yourself very well. One can see the ongoing roller coaster you experience. You are not blind to any emotions, yet it seems the positive ones do not sufficiently stimulate your sense of real happiness. It seems you identify happy and sad, but never really experience enough happy emotions to elevate your thoughts and spirits to a more positive outcome. I’m certain these symptoms are part of an underlying root problem that you and your doctors continue to work toward resolving. Obviously, with many factors contributing to your current situation, simple answers can’t be found. Your continued determination to “whittle” away at the components impeding the progress you seek is a challenging task. I truly wish for you greater focus and clarity on all your positive attributes in good times and difficult times. Your words add great value to many people suffering similar difficulties. I hope you can feel the honest emotions people reveal to you in their comments containing real empathy and compassion.
    Thank you for sharing this post and inviting me to read it. Believe their is hope in overcoming obstacles interfering with a life worth living.

    Liked by 1 person

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