Her bed was an object of degradation. It reeked of alcohol and sweat. Too drunk to make it the bathroom, the bed was stained with urine. Sometimes it smelled of sex and the repugnant odor of her boyfriend. He hated my looks of disgust and barbed comments. It was all too easy for him to look past the sad eyes of a 15 year old girl whose life was falling apart. Mental illness and self-medication had turned her home into a hovel. There was no safe haven.
She had transmogrified from a caring, beautiful, working single mother into a burden for the only person she always loved – me. We went from fairy stories about my missing Prince of a father – handsome but troubled – to the drunken ravings of a mad woman. What made it worse is the ravings were true. My father had asked her to abort the unwanted fetus, me, and if she hadn’t had me her life may have been so much better.
My heart broke into crystalline pieces like a shattered fairy castle. The truth was there and I just chose not to see it. Perhaps I never needed to know all the intimate details of how my father betrayed us. One revelation was that an American relative wanted to adopt me but my mother refused to consider such a possibility. I longed for Aunt Jackie to rescue me but by this stage we were no longer in contact.
Sometimes I reacted with kindness to my mother’s sad life but mostly I became remote with sarcastic comments. After a neighbor asked me to take her home, she was drunk and incapable of walking the few hundred yards, I shoved her into the wall of the house in frustration. She just sobbed and asked me to forgive her. I could not.
In anger I looked at the bed and tore the filthy bedding from it. I recoiled when I realized that it was soaked in urine. Lifting up the mattress to see if it was as bad on the other side, I saw that she had torn open the lining of the bottom divan and it was filled with dozens of mostly empty bottles of whisky. My temper flared and I started pouring the remaining whisky down the bathroom sink to the sound of her plaintive sobbing. She knew that I had been checking to see how many bottles she was drinking. At her worst it was a bottle of whisky a day.
This is heartbreaking, Kerry.
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Thank you, Margarisa. This is why I keep putting off my memoir – hard to write.
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❤️ ❤️
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Sad to read this Kerry!
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Thank you, Liben.
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It appears that you and I are on the same wavelength today, Kerry. The important thing is that she loved you and that she knew that you loved her. Hugs sent to you. ❤
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Thank you so much, Rob. She was very much a circumstance of her illness and life choices. I needed a hug!
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She loved you dearly Kerry. You didn’t cause it. You couldn’t control it. You couldn’t cure it. You are two beautiful ladies. Hard for both of you in different ways. Huge hug. Life can be rotten and fabulous. Take care 😘💕💕💕
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Well, you were my witness and I so appreciate your lovely comment. Life was hard for both of us at times. I will try to balance this with a beautiful story of my mum sometime. ❤️
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I’m sad to read this, Kerry, but I also see that you have come through it all and you are a lovely person.
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Thank you so much, Leah. I woke up after a nightmare and just had to write this. Forgiveness is the hardest. ❤️
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Bless you, bless your mum. Such a difficult childhood for you to navigate. I hope writing about it brings some comfort. Sending the hugest of hugs.
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Thank you so much, Peggy. This was just one particularly bad day in a bad few years. There were many other days of love and hope and I will write of them soon. K x
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This broke my heart. I can’t even imagine. ❤
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Thank you so much, MB. I am glad that you can’t imagine. Most people’s childhoods are much better and even mine was full of love. ❤️
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Wow Kerry. This is so hard to read and not become sad. What a ruff life you had growing up. But look at you now. Sometimes we learn from life’s difficult challenges and become all the better for it. I know your mother loved you despite her issues, but you did your best to try to guide her onto a more positive path in life, which I know she appreciated. Keep your head high Kerry. You are a wonderful person. Luv Gary
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Thank you so much, Gary. It was tough at times but I tried my best to maintain a better life. I inherited my mum’s illness and some addiction issues so now I can be more compassionate. Love K x❤️
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Kerry, my god, I don’t know what to say except you’ve come through all this well. This made me tear up and I’m sorry that this happened to you. Keep traveling and writing please-
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Thank you so much for your comment, Chad. Sometimes these circumstances make us more compassionate. I am half broken, half fixed. I still have many travelogues to write from recent traveling. 😎
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So sad, I am glad you have gained perspective and forgave her. I hope she gained peace later in life
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Thank you! She did gain peace later in life and adored my husband. I had to marry someone very special who would take me and my baggage.
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Oh Kerry …. your fragile mum loved you so much and it is now she that watches over you – I send you so much love xx
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Thank you so much, Osyth. For some reason I just had to share this story – it is part of who I am. K x
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Whatever the reason I am glad you did. As dreadfully sad as I found it, it is real and it is a big part of your personal tapestry and your sharing it was a privilege to me and certainly humbling. X
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Thank you, my friend. K x
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🙂
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Big hugs to you Kerry. I almost feel speechless. I am so sorry you had to go through that. This was hard for me to read. xxx
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I seemed to have shocked my audience into silence, Lynne. Thank you for your support. I don’t talk about this aspect of my life very often. K x
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Reading this breaks my heart, Kerry. Both of you had to go through so much but I’m glad that your love for each other kept the upper hand, that’s the main thing in life, isn’t it? Sending you hugs and love all across the Atlantic Ocean dear friend! xoxo
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Thank you so much, Sarah. I appreciate the hugs and love. K x
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This vignette is a masterpiece, honestly. It’s the pain and the realism that make me want to read more, even though I know it will not end well. Whenever you are ready, I will read your memoirs. xoxox
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Thank you so much. It was a very hard piece to write but cathartic. I think I have forgiven now.
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