How to cope…

…during this toilet tissue crisis.  It seems we are globally asinine regarding hoarding toilet tissue, from the comments of my followers on my last post.  Teddy reminded me that we were young, back in the 60’s, it was not uncommon for people to have outside toilets (cludgies in Scottish dialect) which would have a piece of string with carefully cut out newspaper squares hanging off it.  He was horrified at the idea of black ink over his bottom.  Think of all the ways we could passive aggressively make a statement.  The National Enquirer seems like a natural start but then you could try out The Epoch Times or go in the opposite direction with the Socialist Worker Newspaper.  There is something for everyone whether you are right or left wing.  My favorite would be The Super Soaraway Sun – a terrible rag in the UK that always had a topless wench on Page 3.  Dirty old men on buses in Glasgow would leer at you while looking at said page.

At this point in my dissertation on ways to cope, I need to segue into a brief story from an old workplace in Scotland.  It was a small oil service company that Teddy and I both worked at.  They had employed a young gal, as a cleaner, whose assets were ample.  She had the dubious pleasure of being the youngest girl to star on the aforementioned Page 3.  There was a company noticeboard and she put up a notice to this effect.

EXOTIC DANCING – £10

TOPPLES EXTRA

That’s what happens when you don’t finish school…and I am not making this up.

Back to the important discussion about toilet paper – on my first visit to Cairo INTERNATIONAL airport, the cleaning lady handed me two sheets of paper.  That was your limit unless you ate nuts from the airport bar like my stupid husband did.  Then you need to shout for a full roll and a hose down while you are at it.  I spoke to my aunt Maureen in Ireland today and she told me that they used a Dock leaf to wipe your bum when they lived at the farm in Sligo.  Not sure how useful that would be in the middle of Dublin but just giving my readers options.  As I walked around the containment pond with Teddy today, I looked for Dock leaf equivalents but I am pretty sure that I would pick poison ivy or its equivalent in Texas.  That would be a whole other hospital experience.

Teddy and I ventured out to the supermarket yesterday.  I wore my plastic hair color gloves that are free in every packet – why would you bother to wear gloves when you are putting the dye all over your head?  There was an elderly man wearing a fetching black pair that looked like something the Forensic Team might wear.  There were no toilet rolls, wet wipes or paper towels.  I had a light bulb moment and picked up ONE packet of white serviettes/paper napkins which would work for bum or kitchen counter.  Someone looked at me and had the same thought.  I bet there are no napkins today…  I started to wonder what my Nana did because we didn’t have paper towels back in the day.  We must have used dishcloths for everything.  Old habits die hard so I keep all the old t-shirts/bleached towels and reuse them for dirty jobs.  If you are really stuck you could cut up an old towel into small pieces to wipe personal areas.  Then you could bleach them in a diaper bucket.  Now you all know why bidets are the most marvelous invention – no toilet paper needed!  I loved mine in Egypt – great for nosy cats, dirty feet and bottoms.  If I ever remodel the bathroom, I am going to try to get one installed.

I hope this carefully thought out article has helped during this pandemic.  Keep laughing and keep safe.  This too will pass but you will never run out of toilet tissue ever again.

54 thoughts on “How to cope…

  1. You can buy portable bidet basins in shops or catalogues for old people. Kerry, we ARE old people! I got mine 30 years ago from a Help the Aged catalogue for £12 and it is still going strong. No need for a complete bathroom refurbish. Just get a supply of face cloths for drying afterwards and launder with the towels in a hot biological wash.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Definitely laughing. Which is good. I wasn’t going to read because I need to stay away from reading the stuff at the moment but I did coz you wrote it. I’m glad I did. And now I can’t remember all the comments I had to reply…
    Love, light, and glitter

    Liked by 1 person

    • So glad you are laughing, Eliza. I am amazing in crises but useless at normal life…😁 It’s important to keep everything in perspective. This too will pass and maybe we will all learn to stop and smell the roses. Sending you a hug, K x

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Kerry. Hope you’re both well. Forgot about newspaper! I do remember tracing paper toilet paper in school along with carbolic soap. Your article made me chuckle.
    Catherine. Kerry was talking about a bidet. Not that we’re old biddies😂
    Keep well. Our work is absolutely mental just now. I think the crazy will get us before the Coronavirus. Take care. Love Anne x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. We had “homemade” toilet rolls cut out from newspapers when I was a kid, but I’m not sure about using the Dock leaf 🙈🙈 thanks for sharing, your blog posts always make my day. I hope you and your family are safe and sound. Lots of love from Sligo ❤️ Aiva

    Liked by 2 people

    • I was thinking of you when I mentioned using Dock leaves! Apparently there is plenty near Mullaghmore…😁 I was relieved to hear that my 90 year old aunt is being looked after by all her neighbors in Monaghan. Irish blessings to you, K x

      Liked by 1 person

  5. A dancer who toppled would be wonderful entertainment Kerry 😀 😀
    The people who lived next door when I was a kid had the newspaper squares in the outside dunny. In Australia, gum leaves were an alternative just had to make sure there weren’t any insects on the leaf or grab a Sandpaper Creek Fig leaf 😀 😀 In theses modern times an iPad just would be able to do the job.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Lots of your friends leaving comments, so cool. Fun post. I accidentally over purchased tp a few times in a row shopping but it worked out fine now. I had to chuckle about the gal with ample assets (alliteration!) but I didn’t get it right away until you mentioned her schooling. LOL
    The newspaper poll has merit!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t think that many readers got the TOPLESS v TOPPLES joke! I did hear that some ignorant Californians were flushing bits of old t-shirt down the toilet. Use a bucket like they do in Mexico!!! Hope you are keeping safe and well, David. K x

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Kerry, this really did make me laugh considering when I was very little I tried to ‘help’ a kitten use the outhouse potty and ended up dropping it in. I don’t remember much about this, but my mother does. Also…the airport nuts made me laugh. That would be my luck. If I eat anything that is treated with sulfites to keep food or fruit fresh I am dreadfully ill within an hour. That would be bad news in an airport or on a plane.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That poor pussycat! I bet she needed a good bath. One of our old cats in Scotland jumped right over the dyke and straight into a soft cowpat. It took Vosene to get the smell out! My Nana once caught me baptizing the new puppy with precious Lourdes water. She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. My heart was in the right place… K x Keep well.

      Liked by 1 person

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