Say NO to aspirational New Year’s Resolutions!

I am really old and wise – aspirational resolutions are silly.  They give us false expectations or make us feel pompous until we inevitably fail.  Here is a list of practical ones –

 

  • Try to poo every day. That means you are eating fiber and you might even lose weight.  It also keeps toilet tissue manufacturers in business.

 

  • Smile at everyone. The worst that can happen is that someone thinks you are crazy or hearing voices.  The best is that you find a new friend or make someone’s day.

 

  • Use your common sense. Millennials – google common sense and try to incorporate it into your life.  It’s like skateboarding but more fun.

 

  • Choose an appropriate seat at Starbucks. One person needs a small table.  If you choose otherwise, 40 miles north of Houston, a strange Scottish lady will come up to you and ask you to move from the table with 6 seats that she needs for her friends.

 

  • On the same topic, get a more appropriate office.

 

  • Try to remember which airline your relative flew on and which city they left from in Latin America/South East Asia/Africa. It helps the frazzled volunteers.

 

  • Rescue an animal or check on an elderly neighbor. Try not to cry when the cat hisses at you or the neighbor says, “I’m fine” and shuts the door in your face.  Remember I write with experience.

 

  • Try to read global news from reputable sources – even real news is biased. It might make you realize your life is blessed.  Think about Puerto Rico.

 

  • Whilst perusing the World Wide Web, try to avoid following those topics that we know rot our brain. ‘Caitlyn and Kris Jenner get married again’, for example.  Nooooooo!

 

  • Say ‘Hell No!’ to political correctness. Here is an example – Our President is an ass wipe and not the nice Preparation H ones.

 

  • Read your horoscope. It’s all unicorn and rainbows. You will meet the man of your dreams in 2018, write that book and win the lottery. Promise.

 

  • Be good or you will go to hell. This is gospel from a lapsed Catholic…

 

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