Kerry for Queen

I even have a crown...

I even have a crown…

CAUTION – this post might make you laugh.

It’s pretty obvious that the USA is no longer able to deal with a democracy. Fifty percent of the populace thinks the other half is bonkers/loco/crazy and now they are rioting over a legal democratic process that the President Elect assured us previously would be rigged/illegal/fraudulent (or words to that effect). If we believed him then perhaps he would be kind enough to stand down and let us vote again? He seems to be creating a family business at the White House so if you are prepared to put up with nepotism and demagoguery, why not try something new? Kerry for Queen of America!!

To reassure you, I have absolutely no intention of being the titular head of a broken democracy. No, no – this will be a benevolent monarchy with Teddy as Prince Consort. I have plenty of evidence to prove that I am qualified to be Queen. I have Native American, Hispanic and European genetics. My ancestors were Kings, Queens and Emperors so there is the blue blood (strangely it looks red in a syringe…)

If you think the Vikings settled in the USA first, then I have that covered as a descendant of Ragnar Lothbrok, King of Uppsala. For those people who believe the Irish got here in coracles first (I will pray for you) but can tick that box too (in spades). For the normal people who think the Native Americans were our first settlers – snap! My European ancestors arrived around the 1600s, pilgrims to the east, conquistadors to the west. Let’s face it, I am as royal an American as you can get and I am even related to Princess Diana (distantly). That will satisfy People Magazine, the National Enquirer and our other fine newspapers. Why would you be obsessed with the Kardashians – they are Armenian?? (I am hoping I don’t have any Armenian followers…)

So, this is what I am going to do –

1. Tell the truth. I know, it’s shocking and you will find it hard to believe that a business major has the capacity to sniff out corruption and expose it.

2. Uphold the legal system and fix the loopholes. Can you cope with all this sensible stuff?

3. Diplomacy not war will be my mantra. I have the utmost confidence in that because I can talk the hind legs of a donkey and make grown men whimper with delight at my Scottish accent. I speak bad Arabic, French and Spanish but beautifully accented with the rolling rrrrr! Anyone who mocks my Scottish accent will disappear.

4. I was born in the USA (San Francisco, 1970 1960) but the Birthers will be delighted to know that I don’t have the long form certificate. That is of little consequence to me as Queen. There is a very large mental health section of Houston’s largest prison and they will go there forthwith.

Despite my fabulousness, I can’t do this alone and will rely on trusted advisers.

Royal Physician Not only does the Queen need to keep in tip-top condition but I will need some help with our health service. All health insurance companies will be non-profit and AUDITED! No-one will ever charge $200 for a bag of saline again. Big Pharma – watch out. We still own Guantanamo…

Sir Nicholas will help write my speeches. They need to be witty, droll with a touch of cynicism to balance my cuddliness.

Ser Patrick will help find my dragons – no need for riot control anymore or KKK.

Sir Terry will help balance my need to use the dragons with his general niceness.

Lady Osyth is married to 2Brains. King Teddy has one in his head and one in his ass but that might not be enough.

General Cox will be my military advisor. He knows the need for strong military and the folly of war.

• King Teddy will be in charge of Energy. He produces enough gas to power Texas…

WordPress has provided me with so many excellent advisors. Lady Stephanie can make sure I don’t wear my ‘cleaning the house castle with bleach’ clothes too often. Lady Lynne and Lady Gail will make sure that all children have a healthy meal each day and that no one should live in a food desert. Gas stations are not grocery stores – gourmet food trucks will accept food stamps in the short term until we can turn the richest country in the world into one with no poverty.

Sorry, I started to show my real feelings there and this is a funny post… Lady Aquileana and Sir Peter, Greek and Latin scholars, will make sure that we learn from history’s mistakes. I may have missed some critical advisers but worry not, heads may roll. Out with the old, in with the new.

Long live Queen Kerry! As a final unctuous note, none of my advisers have been asked to participate in this new kingdom. It is unnecessary as this is a monarchy…remember the dragons!