Who needs “Bird Box”…

…you could just join me while I blithely pack up Christmas ornaments. “WTF Golly Gosh!”, I said as I noticed this harmless leaf footed bug who had died while stuck to the duct tape. He belongs to the stink bug family so DON’T SQUISH HIM, if you see a live one.

Didn’t he mummify perfectly? Such a handsome fellow when he doesn’t take one by surprise…

Then I started climbing up into the attic and noticed yet another mummy, above, that must have been under the Xmas boxes. Nearly fell off the darn ladder! Why is he decapitated? Is this an omen for 2019? This is a wonderful resident of Texas known as the tree roach. Most folks who move to Texas from other places are delightfully surprised that the giant roach they are trying to stamp on, FLIES into the trees! The biggest one I saw was 4 inches long and SLEEPING UNDER MY PILLOW. Even the bug man shuddered. Teddy and I both screamed.

So, although I am not phobic about these bugs, I was feeling a little skittish and had used too many cuss words at the very start of 2019. I sat down for a recuperative mug of tea and a snack. When I stood up I felt something fall onto my slipper. I glanced down and said “Geez Louise”…

I had to re-stage the photograph because I cussed again and threw my slipper off with the black THING. It was a Welch’s fruit pastille/candy. Heavens to Betsy, I do hope this is how 2019 is going to continue because it really made me laugh and pee a little.

If you are not one of the 45 million people who downloaded “Bird Box” from Netflix – it is a scary movie with an excellent cast. Perhaps I should ask guests to wear a blindfold when they visit my house?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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The TV scolded me…

Retro TV

Bloody TV!

As many of my lovely followers know, I have a Scottish accent, although I was born in California and am AMERICAN! I work at an airport and am driven to distraction by all the comments about my accent. One Chinese gentleman, with a very thick accent, asked me to speak English….I kept smiling but inside I had jumped over the counter and done a ‘Jackie Chan’ move on him. Mostly, it is all to my advantage, with many, many propositions (some of them are from young, handsome men – the rest I won’t speak about). Unbelievably, I am understood better in Spanish where at least they pronounce their vowels properly. I have to make stupid YMCA signage to show an A or an E, smiling all the time…

Most people think I am Irish (almost right), Swedish (Ya, I can accept that), Australian (really?) or occasionally English (do you want a slap?). Starbucks is a nightmare, unless it is at my place of work, and then everyone knows I like a Vente Skinny Latte (I also have a name badge). At strange Starbucks my coffee can be labeled Kirsty, Katie, Carrie, Kumbaya – anything but Kerry and I still SPELL IT OUT. For some unknown reason Teddy, my husband, decided that we need the new voice recognition remote for our Xfinity system. It can’t understand a bloody thing I say.

The final, hilarious straw came yesterday when we were looking for new series that we had missed On Demand. We had enjoyed watching the last series of The Ship, so I pick up the remote and say “The Ship”. Up comes, “The S***” – Big Brother can’t have misunderstood cuss words on the TV! I started laughing and tried again – same answer. Finally, on the third attempt, the TV said, “Sorry, I don’t handle demands with that type of language. Try again”. WTF!! I was swearing like a sailor while uncontrollably laughing. The only way it would understand me was if I imitated a thick East Texan accent.

This is a link to a hilarious sketch by two Scottish comedians who are in a voice recognition elevator or lift. (Click on the red) You might not understand all of the words but I think you will get the gist and feel a little of my pain. All the Scots I know in Texas just have to say the word “Eleven” and we all fall about laughing. On our recent break to Tampa the fancy elevators, in the Grand Hyatt Hotel, had a Scottish accent. Every time it said “Going Down” I felt I was being propositioned by a Scottish call girl. I hope there were no cameras in the elevator because Teddy and I were being very rude about it. Not that it matters, they wouldn’t understand us anyway!

This is a link to my very well enunciated accent. Kerry chatting.