I went to my psychiatrist for a regular appointment last week. First, he asked what was wrong with me when I thought I felt more like myself (quiet and introspective), then I misheard him suggesting that it might be the Phage. My head immediately went to Star Trek Voyager where the Phage was a recurring story line of an alien disease. Their skin starts to rot and I immediately thought about my red scarred zit on my forehead. Reality returned and I asked him to explain (do you understand why I see a psychiatrist now?) He was referring to the seasons changing at the autumnal equinox. That might explain why I kept waking up at odd hours and felt out of sorts. There are all sorts of clinical evidence theorizing that we do react emotionally to full moons and changing seasons. Seasonal Affective disorder is very common in Northern Europe.
Can you tell that my mind is hopping about like a squirrel on caffeine? I keep trying to focus on tasks but failing miserably – my head is full of pumpkin puree. So here are my current ramblings about my life: –
Why are my fashion posts the most popular? I love doing them and really appreciate the interest but I am 58 and really past my sell-by-date. My elegant modeling mum always wore tasteful neutrals with a splash of vivid red or blue. Quite naturally I wanted to look the complete opposite. Punk was emerging and I was determined to look like Blondie, dyeing my dark hair blonde and dressing very provocatively. Then I had a ‘wholesome’ period and then I got fat. It wasn’t until my mum had died and I was in my 40’s before I found my own style. Before that I hated having my photograph taken – how times change!
Why do I have so many gay boyfriends? Why are they all better looking than any straight boyfriend in the past?? I come from a conservatively religious background and it wasn’t okay to be gay. Despite that, one of my aunts was undoubtedly gay but stayed in the closet to her family. She kept introducing me to her girlfriends and I still didn’t get it… I really don’t judge people for their sexuality and perhaps that is obvious. I cherish the close relationship with a gay man without the complication of desire and can flirt outrageously without consequence. At college, I made an assumption that a man with some feminine attributes was gay, made him my best friend and ultimately broke his heart.
I have been head hunted by three new companies in the last two weeks. This is at a time in my life when I would like to ‘chill’ and keep my anxiety levels down. I am delighted, of course, but surprised (especially by one VP who recommended me – I didn’t think he liked me). My first diploma was in business with a focus on travel and tourism. Most of my career was spent working for non-profit organizations but now I work for DMCs – Destination Management Companies. Who would have thought that my quirky personality would work in my favor? It is an over-used word but I am a nice person and that goes a long way when you work with clients.
My sole piece of art is on the dark web – just jesting. 😈 I can’t post a link because it is a private site… My friend Rob has a beautiful body that he likes to post naked. One of his followers did a beautiful charcoal sketch from his nude photo and this so impressed me that I processed it photographically as an ink sketch. Rob then asked me to process a different nude photograph which he sent me by email. In case you are wondering, I did tell Teddy and showed him my artwork. He rolled his eyes… The odd thing is that there is nothing sexual about our friendship – Rob is young, handsome and straight. Beyond that he is a really lovely guy whose personality and writing clicks with mine. I make lots of cougar jokes but even I have a limit – he has to be at least 45 years old. 😁
My current best writing is fairy stories. I have invented a Texas School of Fairies, situated in Austin but no pun intended… My mum had many beautiful qualities but the one I remember most is that she would make up a new story for me every night. It always included a little girl called Kerry and animals and fairies and elves – you get the picture. It was a special moment because she worked long hours and Nana did most of the caretaking. I don’t have children but I would savor reading stories to them at night. As an only child, my head was always in story books and I read the library dry.
My longing to travel has left me, along with the desire to write travelogues. I can’t quite figure out why. I have retreated from friendships and groups, rarely socializing. For a while I was depressed but now I feel reasonably settled. My personality is still the same but even my psychiatrist noticed a difference in my behavior. In some ways I have gone back to my childhood; solitary but content. If I get anxious, I can still talk too much but it is lessening. I share more with Katniss and Toffee than anyone else! No doubt this is another phase in my life but momentarily I am enjoying the quiet.
Rambling over, until the next fashion post…