Who needs “Bird Box”…

…you could just join me while I blithely pack up Christmas ornaments. “WTF Golly Gosh!”, I said as I noticed this harmless leaf footed bug who had died while stuck to the duct tape. He belongs to the stink bug family so DON’T SQUISH HIM, if you see a live one.

Didn’t he mummify perfectly? Such a handsome fellow when he doesn’t take one by surprise…

Then I started climbing up into the attic and noticed yet another mummy, above, that must have been under the Xmas boxes. Nearly fell off the darn ladder! Why is he decapitated? Is this an omen for 2019? This is a wonderful resident of Texas known as the tree roach. Most folks who move to Texas from other places are delightfully surprised that the giant roach they are trying to stamp on, FLIES into the trees! The biggest one I saw was 4 inches long and SLEEPING UNDER MY PILLOW. Even the bug man shuddered. Teddy and I both screamed.

So, although I am not phobic about these bugs, I was feeling a little skittish and had used too many cuss words at the very start of 2019. I sat down for a recuperative mug of tea and a snack. When I stood up I felt something fall onto my slipper. I glanced down and said “Geez Louise”…

I had to re-stage the photograph because I cussed again and threw my slipper off with the black THING. It was a Welch’s fruit pastille/candy. Heavens to Betsy, I do hope this is how 2019 is going to continue because it really made me laugh and pee a little.

If you are not one of the 45 million people who downloaded “Bird Box” from Netflix – it is a scary movie with an excellent cast. Perhaps I should ask guests to wear a blindfold when they visit my house?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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SEASONAL SOLILOQUY

This is the real Christmas letter that I send to our friends and family – enjoy!

SEASONAL SOLILOQUY

The title is deceptive – it was just to lure you in.  The truth is that not much has changed from last year.  Here are the best bits

  • Andy turned 60 years old in April. He is just as grumpy and annoying as I thought he would be.
  • I am horribly hormonal and bark orders at my poor senior spouse. Zits and wrinkles. Piss and vinegar.
  • We went to Mobile, Alabama, to celebrate the above senior’s birthday and it was wonderful despite back seat driving.
  • We are both working – enough said.
  • Andy traveled to California, Florida, Georgia and South Carolina. Kerry went to Mexico, Nevada and Arizona.  I ticked the Grand Canyon off my list and it was the trip from hell.
  • WE GOT A NEW REFRIGERATOR IN BLACK STAINLESS STEEL. So much anticipation and excitement only to find it just keeps food cold.
  • There were no hurricanes in Houston. There was a tropical storm on one of my VERY LONG work trips across the south of Texas.
  • MILLENNIALS! That references the previous point.  There are no Starbucks in rural Texas; deal with it.
  • Andy is about to exhibit some of his wonderful photographs on stretched canvas.
  • Kerry still writes nonsense on her blog and this year the fairy stories were popular but her fashion blogs even more so. Que?
  • We both had new DNA tests to clear up some anomalies. Andy has found some biological relatives in – wait for it – PETERHEAD!!  I am still Mexican and Irish.  I like Tequila and potatoes.
  • Kerry reduced Andy’s blood sugar levels – YAY! Some of this involved barking orders about food choices but now he is no longer pre-diabetic.
  • We watched a lot of Netflix.

Here we are in Brenham just after Thanksgiving this November.  One of the benefits of living in Texas is that it is warm in the winter time.

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

From Kerry and Andy xxx

Toffee says Howdy!

READ THE NEXT PAGE FOR THE LESS HORMONAL VERSION…

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Kerry’s hormones have balanced somewhat and I have stopped barking orders at Andy… ❤  We had a lovely evening showcasing Andy’s photos that we would like to exhibit in 2019.  Andy has been successful at selling some photos through Getty Images over the last few years, so this is a fun new adventure.

Andy is standing next to his piece de resistance, a 12 image composite of Arches, a natural rock formation, in Utah.  It is taken without a tripod – the composites are both horizontal and vertical.  Doesn’t he look slim and handsome for a 60 year old senior; all that hormonal barking has paid off? 🐕

One of the images is Kerry’s; the crow in silhouette at the Western Rim of the Grand Canyon in Arizona.  This was on the aforementioned trip from hell to Grand Canyon.  At least I got a good photograph out of it and potentially funny blogs in the future.  I have taken a break from the blog but hope to get back to it soon.

WISHING ALL MY FRIENDS AND READERS HOPE, HEALTH AND HAPPINESS IN 2019

This is just for Leah – our forests look exactly the same.  This was taken at Lake Bedias in Texas just after Thanksgiving.  The sign at the start of the forest tells us to watch out for snakes, alligators, bobcats, coyotes (but no lions, tigers or bears…oh my!)

 

Say NO to aspirational New Year’s Resolutions!

I am really old and wise – aspirational resolutions are silly.  They give us false expectations or make us feel pompous until we inevitably fail.  Here is a list of practical ones –

 

  • Try to poo every day. That means you are eating fiber and you might even lose weight.  It also keeps toilet tissue manufacturers in business.

 

  • Smile at everyone. The worst that can happen is that someone thinks you are crazy or hearing voices.  The best is that you find a new friend or make someone’s day.

 

  • Use your common sense. Millennials – google common sense and try to incorporate it into your life.  It’s like skateboarding but more fun.

 

  • Choose an appropriate seat at Starbucks. One person needs a small table.  If you choose otherwise, 40 miles north of Houston, a strange Scottish lady will come up to you and ask you to move from the table with 6 seats that she needs for her friends.

 

  • On the same topic, get a more appropriate office.

 

  • Try to remember which airline your relative flew on and which city they left from in Latin America/South East Asia/Africa. It helps the frazzled volunteers.

 

  • Rescue an animal or check on an elderly neighbor. Try not to cry when the cat hisses at you or the neighbor says, “I’m fine” and shuts the door in your face.  Remember I write with experience.

 

  • Try to read global news from reputable sources – even real news is biased. It might make you realize your life is blessed.  Think about Puerto Rico.

 

  • Whilst perusing the World Wide Web, try to avoid following those topics that we know rot our brain. ‘Caitlyn and Kris Jenner get married again’, for example.  Nooooooo!

 

  • Say ‘Hell No!’ to political correctness. Here is an example – Our President is an ass wipe and not the nice Preparation H ones.

 

  • Read your horoscope. It’s all unicorn and rainbows. You will meet the man of your dreams in 2018, write that book and win the lottery. Promise.

 

  • Be good or you will go to hell. This is gospel from a lapsed Catholic…

 

Pixie haircut 2016

kerrys new haircut 2016

With everything that happened recently, I had every intention of growing my hair long again (to save money on haircuts). Stephanae at Bold Blind Beauty’s latest post somehow inspired me to go to the hairdresser and ask him to cut it in a pretty pixie cut to give me some bravado for 2016 and this is the result.

It’s amazing how a new haircut can make you feel better and boost your confidence.  As you can see from my apparel the bottom end of the major storm system has hit Houston and even we have to wear faux furry parkas.  The heating is on, the fire, too, and Katniss (our feral cat) has had two meals today.  The jay and the cardinal also asked for lunch…  It never ends. 🙂

Resolution No. 3 – be nice to Teddy

kerryandynewyear16bandicootframe

We were at a marvelous Scottish New Year’s Eve party or Hogmanay and our friends had set up a unique photo booth. After a few refreshments, we looked as relaxed as newts. Perhaps that’s a Scottish expression. The photo was a little grainy so after some ‘discussion’ I agreed to let my husband upload a free photo software program, Photoscape, on my computer. This was difficult – don’t touch my computer!!!! Eventually my myriad programs would not fix the original photograph so I surrendered with trepidation. OMG, it’s fantastic! I was able to make it look fun with a ‘bandicoot’ filter – what the heck does that mean? Then I added a fancy frame and VOILA!

My third resolution, which I doubt will last 12 hours, is to nice to my husband. He would hate it if I was really sweet all the time – he didn’t sign up for that but I could add some laughter to the snarky remarks. Less, “reallys???” More,”you are so gorgeous and clever” without a hint of sarcasm. Tonight I told him he was the best looking guy in the room and I meant it. Nobody else could make me laugh so much and turn me on at the same time. That’s like a superhuman ability, isn’t it? SEXYFUNNYMAN, perhaps?

Resolution No. 1 – wash more…

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I made my husband take this series of photos even though he was disgusted by me and Mrs. Stripe. Still taking it easy and after a fun social occasion last night I decided to stay in bed all day. Mrs. Stripe walked straight up the bed a couple of hours ago and started washing my hand. Then her nose wrinkled and she started washing my armpit. Clearly, Kerry needed a bath…

kerrystripe164

I really love my mom and am happy to do my duty.

kerrystripe165

Well, it was a dirty job but somebody had to do it.

You will be pleased to know (and my husband certainly is) that I have bathed, changed the bed, put on antiperspirant and a clean nightie. HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope your resolutions are slightly less basic than mine. 🙂