How to cope…

…during this toilet tissue crisis.  It seems we are globally asinine regarding hoarding toilet tissue, from the comments of my followers on my last post.  Teddy reminded me that we were young, back in the 60’s, it was not uncommon for people to have outside toilets (cludgies in Scottish dialect) which would have a piece of string with carefully cut out newspaper squares hanging off it.  He was horrified at the idea of black ink over his bottom.  Think of all the ways we could passive aggressively make a statement.  The National Enquirer seems like a natural start but then you could try out The Epoch Times or go in the opposite direction with the Socialist Worker Newspaper.  There is something for everyone whether you are right or left wing.  My favorite would be The Super Soaraway Sun – a terrible rag in the UK that always had a topless wench on Page 3.  Dirty old men on buses in Glasgow would leer at you while looking at said page.

At this point in my dissertation on ways to cope, I need to segue into a brief story from an old workplace in Scotland.  It was a small oil service company that Teddy and I both worked at.  They had employed a young gal, as a cleaner, whose assets were ample.  She had the dubious pleasure of being the youngest girl to star on the aforementioned Page 3.  There was a company noticeboard and she put up a notice to this effect.

EXOTIC DANCING – £10

TOPPLES EXTRA

That’s what happens when you don’t finish school…and I am not making this up.

Back to the important discussion about toilet paper – on my first visit to Cairo INTERNATIONAL airport, the cleaning lady handed me two sheets of paper.  That was your limit unless you ate nuts from the airport bar like my stupid husband did.  Then you need to shout for a full roll and a hose down while you are at it.  I spoke to my aunt Maureen in Ireland today and she told me that they used a Dock leaf to wipe your bum when they lived at the farm in Sligo.  Not sure how useful that would be in the middle of Dublin but just giving my readers options.  As I walked around the containment pond with Teddy today, I looked for Dock leaf equivalents but I am pretty sure that I would pick poison ivy or its equivalent in Texas.  That would be a whole other hospital experience.

Teddy and I ventured out to the supermarket yesterday.  I wore my plastic hair color gloves that are free in every packet – why would you bother to wear gloves when you are putting the dye all over your head?  There was an elderly man wearing a fetching black pair that looked like something the Forensic Team might wear.  There were no toilet rolls, wet wipes or paper towels.  I had a light bulb moment and picked up ONE packet of white serviettes/paper napkins which would work for bum or kitchen counter.  Someone looked at me and had the same thought.  I bet there are no napkins today…  I started to wonder what my Nana did because we didn’t have paper towels back in the day.  We must have used dishcloths for everything.  Old habits die hard so I keep all the old t-shirts/bleached towels and reuse them for dirty jobs.  If you are really stuck you could cut up an old towel into small pieces to wipe personal areas.  Then you could bleach them in a diaper bucket.  Now you all know why bidets are the most marvelous invention – no toilet paper needed!  I loved mine in Egypt – great for nosy cats, dirty feet and bottoms.  If I ever remodel the bathroom, I am going to try to get one installed.

I hope this carefully thought out article has helped during this pandemic.  Keep laughing and keep safe.  This too will pass but you will never run out of toilet tissue ever again.