How to cope…

…during this toilet tissue crisis.  It seems we are globally asinine regarding hoarding toilet tissue, from the comments of my followers on my last post.  Teddy reminded me that we were young, back in the 60’s, it was not uncommon for people to have outside toilets (cludgies in Scottish dialect) which would have a piece of string with carefully cut out newspaper squares hanging off it.  He was horrified at the idea of black ink over his bottom.  Think of all the ways we could passive aggressively make a statement.  The National Enquirer seems like a natural start but then you could try out The Epoch Times or go in the opposite direction with the Socialist Worker Newspaper.  There is something for everyone whether you are right or left wing.  My favorite would be The Super Soaraway Sun – a terrible rag in the UK that always had a topless wench on Page 3.  Dirty old men on buses in Glasgow would leer at you while looking at said page.

At this point in my dissertation on ways to cope, I need to segue into a brief story from an old workplace in Scotland.  It was a small oil service company that Teddy and I both worked at.  They had employed a young gal, as a cleaner, whose assets were ample.  She had the dubious pleasure of being the youngest girl to star on the aforementioned Page 3.  There was a company noticeboard and she put up a notice to this effect.

EXOTIC DANCING – £10

TOPPLES EXTRA

That’s what happens when you don’t finish school…and I am not making this up.

Back to the important discussion about toilet paper – on my first visit to Cairo INTERNATIONAL airport, the cleaning lady handed me two sheets of paper.  That was your limit unless you ate nuts from the airport bar like my stupid husband did.  Then you need to shout for a full roll and a hose down while you are at it.  I spoke to my aunt Maureen in Ireland today and she told me that they used a Dock leaf to wipe your bum when they lived at the farm in Sligo.  Not sure how useful that would be in the middle of Dublin but just giving my readers options.  As I walked around the containment pond with Teddy today, I looked for Dock leaf equivalents but I am pretty sure that I would pick poison ivy or its equivalent in Texas.  That would be a whole other hospital experience.

Teddy and I ventured out to the supermarket yesterday.  I wore my plastic hair color gloves that are free in every packet – why would you bother to wear gloves when you are putting the dye all over your head?  There was an elderly man wearing a fetching black pair that looked like something the Forensic Team might wear.  There were no toilet rolls, wet wipes or paper towels.  I had a light bulb moment and picked up ONE packet of white serviettes/paper napkins which would work for bum or kitchen counter.  Someone looked at me and had the same thought.  I bet there are no napkins today…  I started to wonder what my Nana did because we didn’t have paper towels back in the day.  We must have used dishcloths for everything.  Old habits die hard so I keep all the old t-shirts/bleached towels and reuse them for dirty jobs.  If you are really stuck you could cut up an old towel into small pieces to wipe personal areas.  Then you could bleach them in a diaper bucket.  Now you all know why bidets are the most marvelous invention – no toilet paper needed!  I loved mine in Egypt – great for nosy cats, dirty feet and bottoms.  If I ever remodel the bathroom, I am going to try to get one installed.

I hope this carefully thought out article has helped during this pandemic.  Keep laughing and keep safe.  This too will pass but you will never run out of toilet tissue ever again.

Kerry for Queen

I even have a crown...

I even have a crown…

CAUTION – this post might make you laugh.

It’s pretty obvious that the USA is no longer able to deal with a democracy. Fifty percent of the populace thinks the other half is bonkers/loco/crazy and now they are rioting over a legal democratic process that the President Elect assured us previously would be rigged/illegal/fraudulent (or words to that effect). If we believed him then perhaps he would be kind enough to stand down and let us vote again? He seems to be creating a family business at the White House so if you are prepared to put up with nepotism and demagoguery, why not try something new? Kerry for Queen of America!!

To reassure you, I have absolutely no intention of being the titular head of a broken democracy. No, no – this will be a benevolent monarchy with Teddy as Prince Consort. I have plenty of evidence to prove that I am qualified to be Queen. I have Native American, Hispanic and European genetics. My ancestors were Kings, Queens and Emperors so there is the blue blood (strangely it looks red in a syringe…)

If you think the Vikings settled in the USA first, then I have that covered as a descendant of Ragnar Lothbrok, King of Uppsala. For those people who believe the Irish got here in coracles first (I will pray for you) but can tick that box too (in spades). For the normal people who think the Native Americans were our first settlers – snap! My European ancestors arrived around the 1600s, pilgrims to the east, conquistadors to the west. Let’s face it, I am as royal an American as you can get and I am even related to Princess Diana (distantly). That will satisfy People Magazine, the National Enquirer and our other fine newspapers. Why would you be obsessed with the Kardashians – they are Armenian?? (I am hoping I don’t have any Armenian followers…)

So, this is what I am going to do –

1. Tell the truth. I know, it’s shocking and you will find it hard to believe that a business major has the capacity to sniff out corruption and expose it.

2. Uphold the legal system and fix the loopholes. Can you cope with all this sensible stuff?

3. Diplomacy not war will be my mantra. I have the utmost confidence in that because I can talk the hind legs of a donkey and make grown men whimper with delight at my Scottish accent. I speak bad Arabic, French and Spanish but beautifully accented with the rolling rrrrr! Anyone who mocks my Scottish accent will disappear.

4. I was born in the USA (San Francisco, 1970 1960) but the Birthers will be delighted to know that I don’t have the long form certificate. That is of little consequence to me as Queen. There is a very large mental health section of Houston’s largest prison and they will go there forthwith.

Despite my fabulousness, I can’t do this alone and will rely on trusted advisers.

Royal Physician Not only does the Queen need to keep in tip-top condition but I will need some help with our health service. All health insurance companies will be non-profit and AUDITED! No-one will ever charge $200 for a bag of saline again. Big Pharma – watch out. We still own Guantanamo…

Sir Nicholas will help write my speeches. They need to be witty, droll with a touch of cynicism to balance my cuddliness.

Ser Patrick will help find my dragons – no need for riot control anymore or KKK.

Sir Terry will help balance my need to use the dragons with his general niceness.

Lady Osyth is married to 2Brains. King Teddy has one in his head and one in his ass but that might not be enough.

General Cox will be my military advisor. He knows the need for strong military and the folly of war.

• King Teddy will be in charge of Energy. He produces enough gas to power Texas…

WordPress has provided me with so many excellent advisors. Lady Stephanie can make sure I don’t wear my ‘cleaning the house castle with bleach’ clothes too often. Lady Lynne and Lady Gail will make sure that all children have a healthy meal each day and that no one should live in a food desert. Gas stations are not grocery stores – gourmet food trucks will accept food stamps in the short term until we can turn the richest country in the world into one with no poverty.

Sorry, I started to show my real feelings there and this is a funny post… Lady Aquileana and Sir Peter, Greek and Latin scholars, will make sure that we learn from history’s mistakes. I may have missed some critical advisers but worry not, heads may roll. Out with the old, in with the new.

Long live Queen Kerry! As a final unctuous note, none of my advisers have been asked to participate in this new kingdom. It is unnecessary as this is a monarchy…remember the dragons!

Please don’t put offensive signs on your car

Coexist-in-Theory
After driving to the supermarket, I was behind a white behemoth of a car literally plastered with signs. As we were stopped at traffic lights I could see that they were mostly anti-abortion and Christian signs. The one that upset me the most was that she had altered the Coexist sign to say, ‘Only Christians know how to Coexist’. Well, for a start, that’s not true. How quickly we forget about the terrorist atrocities from both Protestant and Catholic factions in the UK. Secondly, it took away from the sensitive, compassionate message of Coexist. She had so many stickers that it was a distraction to other drivers. As she drove off, she was either unfocused, on her cell phone or maybe couldn’t concentrate from the noise of her myriad children, perhaps? Whatever the case, she was veering into my lane and I had to toot the horn to warn her of my presence. It wouldn’t be very pro-life if she killed me, would it?

I have no problem with regular stickers – I have one that says ‘one cat away from crazy cat lady’ which is patently untrue… The stick figure family stickers seem to boast of their fertility but are generally harmless as are those that proclaim your religion (Muslim, Christian, Jewish, Wicca – who cares?), military affiliation or even, at a push, your fraternity. Nowadays, however, I wonder about hazing or inclusion – we don’t have fraternities in the UK. America is heading into a hot political season and I can only imagine what nasty stickers will be displayed for or against the likes of Donald or Hillary. During the last 2 elections I was horrified at the hateful car stickers, mostly about President Obama. Why can’t you keep your unpleasant opinions to yourself – no wonder people have road rage. It rarely happens in Texas but sometimes in other places people will let a shop door bang in your face. I always say, “Did you leave your manners at home?” Let’s all be less rude and much more polite to each other.