Alternative Facts

Look at that face! How could Kerry tell an alternative fact?

I have been known to tell a few… Then I had to go to confession and tell the priest, “Father, forgive me for my sins. When Nana wasn’t looking I ate two spoonfuls of soft brown sugar out of the pantry”. I think I got an ‘our father’ and a few ‘hail marys’ for that one and looking back wondered how the nice priest managed not to laugh. The bad priest was all fire and brimstone and that’s not an alternative fact. In our household, it was a sin to steal food unless you had asked. The only exception was the fruit bowl and one December I ended up with hives at the doctor’s office because I ate a full bowl of clementines at once. God just decided to leave out the middle-man and punish me directly.

Wouldn’t it be hilarious if priests were able to write funny little books about what children say in confessional? The adult version could outsell 50 shades of Gray and even the Bible… (I am visibly cringing as I write this, looking out for the bolt of lightning). As I got older, I stopped going to confession because there were too many sins. My mum said to me once, about boyfriend #4, “Are you having sex with him?” “NO!” was my outraged alternative fact. I don’t know why I lied told that fact since she caught me and was just curious. My GP asked me if I really needed the Pill for my heavy periods or was I having sex – my red face gave the game away. God has since punished me with a dodgy hoo-haa, a mental illness and myriad other health issues…

I had stopped watching the news for a while when I was feeling blue but now I actively enjoy watching Sean Spicer get angry as he tries to defend alternative facts. He seems to magically transmogrify into Melissa McCarthy and I keep waiting for him to start pushing the podium into the press corp. That girl needs an Oscar for that skit – how did she look so much like him? Even he laughed when asked about it. What sins has he committed to get that job???

People from Scotland rarely mention an appalling fact about our ILLUSTRIOUS LEADER. His mother was born on one of our outer islands where the residents were almost exclusively from a strict Protestant cult faith. If you did anything other than read the Bible and attend church on the Sabbath, you were shunned. Curiously all the Catholics and Protestants lived on separate islands – you can’t make this stuff up. Perhaps Mama Trump left for America because she couldn’t stand the restrictions but I imagine she is twirling in her grave about the various alternative facts. It is important for you to note that the population comes from a very small gene pool… That might explain many things – limited vocabulary, short attention span and generally daftness.

Here is a little puzzle for you – am I telling alternative facts below?

Our FANTASTIC, AMAZING President is going to make American white great again. We will have a TERRIFIC wall through ecologically fragile areas to protect us from the NASTY Mexicans who have made our lives miserable. Global warming is just a story – let’s open up all our coal mines and use even more fossil fuels. Why don’t we build a pipeline carrying CANADIAN fossil fuels and build more GREAT refineries on the gulf coast? They are so lucky to have close proximity to a FANTASTIC Cancer Center in Houston and we can all use it because we will have an AMAZING health care system. Finally, I am so grateful that our cabinet is full of old wise white MEN, some with TERRIFIC links to Russia.

God knows how many novenas I will have to say for those whopper alternative facts… PLEASE make my day with a comment. I will respond in the style of Sean Spicer (castigation or obsequiousness).

Papa Francisco for President!

Courtesy of Martin Schultz, Flickr

Did you see Pope Francis giving them hell (or whatever is appropriate) in Morelia when the crowd pulling on him caused him to fall on a disabled man? He told them that they were selfish – bet they are going straight to hell! He gave a very moving Mass in the poor state of Chiapas in Mexico and yet again railed on the rich Hispanics who had badly treated the indigenous natives in that state and all over Mexico.

Go Jorge (that’s his real name and the one that I use for love letters…)! He would be a fabulous President, wouldn’t he? Okay, so he wasn’t born in America but neither was Ted Cruz. SNAP!!! I can’t tell you much I have wanted to say that. 🙂 Pope Francis has a strong moral code and he doesn’t give a damn who he gives a row to. He would sort out our horrible Congress and Lobbyists. Shame them into doing what they are supposed to – serve their constituents.

The water situation at Flint, Michigan is an example of how we are failing badly, as a nation. Who cares about how much it costs to get new pipes in – these people need clean, safe water. I am shocked at the lack of action. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist or even an engineer to figure out how bring water to these residents. In Egypt, only the cities have plumbed water (and it is pretty decent given that it comes from the Nile) and the country houses have water delivered into tanks that supply their pipes. This happens all over the Middle East. If I third world country can do this, why can’t we? I bet it doesn’t cause a trillion dollars either.

Why haven’t they put the people responsible in court, if not in prison? Surely they are guilty of a human rights crime? Send them to a Texas prison – they will never get out. When I returned from my unpaid work yesterday – which I went to even though I had not slept the previous night – I noticed one of these ridiculous weavers, in a BMW, going way too fast along our main thoroughfare. He was skipping in and out of the three lanes in a stupid and dangerous attempt to get somewhere a few minutes faster. I was thinking, ‘Where is the Sheriff when you need him’ and lo, along came a stealth Sheriff, silently but swiftly stalking him. Finally, he caught up with him and took him off into a car park never to be seen again. I am just kidding, it’s not that bad here!

Anyway, I know it will never happen, especially since Pope Francis would be an illegal Hispanic immigrant. SNAP! But I love the idea of an strong, good President who believes in social justice and will give you a row for being greedy. I am now torn over who I would choose to be with in the Zombie Apocolypse. Pitbull or Pope Francis? I am veering towards Jorge since he dances a mean tango…

Was Donald Trump embarrassed?

courtesy of Saturday Night Live, NBC

I can’t tell the difference between Tina Fey and Sarah Palin. Both looked like demented Tea Party emus. Did you know that the crazy sweater sold out immediately – who the heck bought it? If it is one of my followers, unfollow me immediately! On the original video of the real Sarah Palin endorsing Donald Trump, I swear that once she started gesticulating and talking the usual nonsense even he looked embarrassed. It is a political marriage made in Disney Hell. It’s kind of funny but very scary at the same time. Did you know that the British government had a debate about whether Donald Trump should be banned from the UK? They had to respond to the massive public outcry and petition. Isn’t that a clue that the rest of the world would have some small issues with the Donald being President?

I have a feeling that all these polls about how popular each politician is, are ‘lies, damn lies and statistics’. I remember a previous boss being very annoyed at me for expressing this opinion at a public debate. Having studied statistics I know that the results can be skewed to say whatever you want it to. We are getting political calls nonstop and I just slam down the phone with cuss words (its a recorded message so I am offending no-one apart from my Muslim cats).

Don’t bother watching the real video, this one on SNL is so much fun SNL video Palin endorsing Trump Perhaps what I find even funnier is that Ted Cruz, who I think is an acolyte of Lucifer, is actually Canadian, which perhaps proves my point… Relax Canadians – that was humor, eh? Some of us Texans are embarrassed that he claims to be Texan. Politics in the States is so much fun! 🙂

3 Days 3 Quotes Challenge – Day 2

Dan Quayle -“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.”

Congressman Don Young (R) -‘My father had a ranch; we used to have 50-60 wetbacks to pick tomatoes”.

George W Bush -“They misunderestimated me”. (sic)

Ben Carson is the Mayor

Courtesy of the Smithsonian

I have had one of those days and am sitting here with my glass of cheap wine and ready to vent. So get ready! I don’t mean to offend anyone but I am not going to beat around the bush anymore. Not only will I always vote Democrat, even if (or especially if) Amy Schumer was running for President but I am a SOCIALIST. There I said it and I live in Texas. I think you know what kind of character I am going to be on Walking Dead week. Having grown up in Scotland despite my US roots, we have no problems with the word socialist. I was brought up Catholic so social justice in woven deep into my DNA. You shouldn’t be allowed to remain in the Catholic Church and be a multi-millionaire – it goes against all our teachings. You should be spending it on loaves and fishes to feed everyone. Oh….I’m on a roll now!

Back to the title, what the heck is wrong with Ben Carson. He gives me the creeps and sends shivers up my spine. For somebody who was an amazing surgeon he has some very strange ideas. It’s ironic that he didn’t think a Muslim could be a president but his own religion, 7th Day Adventist, may cause him ethical problems in abiding by our constitution. Gay marriage is legal whether you like it or not. He is a bit like the Mayor in Walking Dead. At first you think he is charming and so reasonable but then you realize that he is very scary, really scary. Why doesn’t he open his eyes? Ben, not the Mayor.

Even worse, he is making Donald Trump look reasonable and that’s really annoying me. I would like to knock Donald over the head with one of his stupid bricks that he is going to build the wall with, along the border with Mexico and Texas. Perhaps we could encase him in the wall? We could throw tomatoes at him from both Texas and Mexico. Has he looked at a map recently – how the hell could you build a wall along our gigantic border?

Back to Ben, I wish his poor mother had hit him with the hammer that he purported to hit her with, back in the day. Even if he has been saved by Jesus, do you really want a President that ever attempted to hit his mother with a hammer.

You have no idea how much better that feels – thanks for listening and I will be here all week.

The day the Canadians took over Maadi

When the second Gulf War broke out, we were living in Cairo, Egypt – specifically in a small suburb called Maadi. Many of the consulates were based there, including the Israeli consulate. It was very scary walking past there – Mossad agents look just like they do in TV programs. Westerners and other expats flocked to Maadi for the housing, situation and the Cairo American School.

Despite all the fear of the first few days, I was highly amused by how many Canadian stickers suddenly appeared on local cars. Were they really all Canadian or were they wussy ‘mericans? I stand out like a sore thumb anyway so there was no point in pretending I was anything other than American but I wasn’t stupid enough to shout it from the rooftops.

Even funnier, in my eyes, was that would be terrorists didn’t really care if you were Canadian or American. We all sound the same, don’t we, eh? I did think it was remarkably negligent that the American school had bright yellow school buses that stood out like a target.

On a more serious note, I feel so sad for all the innocent holiday makers that died on the Russian charter plane leaving from Sharm el Sheik. It is a lovely resort on the Red Sea that in happier times was incredibly popular with Israelis, would you believe? Russians and Europeans took advantage of the inexpensive vacations in a beautiful place.

Security is always high in Cairo International Airport but terrorists often look for softer targets which this would have been. RIP.

Letters from Cairo, A Kindle Book by Kerry Duncan

I am in love with Pope Francis

Courtesy of Martin Schultz, Flickr

To quote Donald Trump (and I never thought I would do that), “Look at that face!” but I mean it in a good way. Pope Francis’s goodness just glows from his gently smiling face. I know it is not okay to be ‘in love’ with Pope Francis but I feel a bit like a dizzy teenage fan of a film star. Before he chose Francis as his Papal name – excellent choice, by the way, as St. Francis is my favorite animal loving saint – his name was Jorge and he loved to tango. I don’t know about other ladies but that’s enough for me… Handsome, too. No wonder those nuns adore him.

On a more serious note, I love what he does and says. Telling Congress what they should do was a pretty ballsy move, too (somehow that feels like I just used the wrong word). I think I have mentioned before that I am an Ethnic Catholic to borrow a phrase from Anne Rice, the vampire author. It is so deeply ingrained in my upbringing that, although I angrily left the church as a teenager because I felt it was corrupt and hypocritical, I still feel like a Roman Catholic. I am not sure that I believe in a higher power but in times of sadness I am drawn to prayer. My Mum’s favorite saint was St Jude who is the patron saint of Hopeless Cases – perfect for her and me. I miss the ritual of a mass and the smell of incense but I also miss the Arabic call to prayer so perhaps I am just a spiritual person.

Pope Francis personifies, to me, what a Pope should be. Compassionate, forthright and joyful. It is as though he sprinkles Catholic fairy dust wherever he goes. A colleague said to me today, “He is almost enough to make you become Catholic” which is high praise indeed. I certainly don’t agree with everything he believes in but given his age and the status of the church he is a wonderful breath of fresh air. His message that resonates most with me is that we should not be so greedy. Greed is not good, no matter what Gordon Gekko says. Sharing is beautiful and as the Scots say, “There are no pockets in a shroud”.

Kerry not Charlie

Quelle horreur! There is no good ideology that assassinates someone who is blasphemous. Civilized societies have a legal system to address this. As a writer, I try very hard not to be disrespectful to other people’s religion or ideology unless I find it abhorrent. I am a humorous writer so sometimes I may poke gentle fun at a culture or religion. In all honesty, having lived in an Islamic culture, I do not understand why cartoonists would show an image of Prophet Mohammed when they know how offensive that would be but free speech allows them to do so. Living in Texas, I often feel that free speech regularly slides into hateful rhetoric and is used as an excuse to spread repugnant ideas. Small acts can accelerate hatred between opponents. I live in a predominantly Republican area and some people who had VOTE OBAMA bumper stickers had their cars scraped by keys. No wonder we have so many social problems in the USA. I am full of grief and sadness for the current events in France and all the murdered victims; their relatives and the mostly innocent Muslim French population who will now be discriminated against, further aggravating the situation. When I was a teenager the IRA and Loyalist (Irish Catholics and Protestants) were actively terrorizing the UK and Ireland. I went to a Catholic school in a predominantly Protestant city and our school had regular bomb threats. At the time, I felt that there was no solution to a centuries old problem but life has changed and I married someone from a Protestant family in a civil ceremony. COEXIST.