Vandals in the suburbs…

Bloody Banditos!

I live in a forest and if you have ever seen the movie, “Over the Hedge” you will understand who our vandals are. Every season, I decorate the porch and this year I went with an orange and green theme. Topping my pine cone basket were some fake gourds that I have kept for 12 years…

After all these years, I know exactly who the perpetrators are – RACCOONS! There is plenty of food available, trees are hanging with fruits and berries so this was just playtime. Those little hands get into everything. I started laughing when I saw the devastation and when I was at the grocery store I bought a small real pumpkin, so their tummies won’t be full of polystyrene. The checkout girl gave it to me free, as it was out of a bag, and I told her my banditos will be grateful (or skunks or possums)

At home, I carefully cut a wedge and put it back together so it would be easier to eat. Yeah, I know I am loco…

Redecorated porch

Now the porch decor is intact again and I was feeling delighted with my art and largess towards the critters. Then I went into the back yard. As you know, two of our old pussycats died this year and we buried them in the garden. On a darkly funny note, something has been trying to dig into Zhenny’s grave, perhaps they are tomb robbers? She was an Egyptian princess, after all. My wonderful gardener came around, put down fresh mulch and dug in some plants. Since it looked so perfect, I added a couple of Dia de Los Muertes candles to their graves.

Zhenny’s shrine

Not only did they desecrate the graves by knocking over the candles but carried another fake gourd around to the back and destroyed it on the deck. We heard nothing. I guess we are so used to the nighttime chirrups and squeaks that we don’t hear it anymore. Ah, the joys of living with wildlife. 😀🌲

Meet Pumpkin

Since it is nearly Thanksgiving, I thought I would gross you out with a scan of my cyst (water filled benign tumor). But look at that beautiful brain – I am sure it is bigger than most…. 🙂 Pumpkin, the cyst, was discovered after a bad car accident and they were scanning my neck and spine. Doesn’t everyone name their cysts?

I had to see three neurosurgeons following the car accident as the first one came to the consultation with dollar signs in his eyes holding his scalpel behind his back. The second one said, “Never have anyone operate on your spine, it may damage you permanently, but there is one other thing…” His assistant who was from Africa, where they are all sensible, had previously shown me the cyst and his opinion was that it was likely congenital and harmless. That said, the neurosurgeon said they would normally remove cysts that size in case they became malignant.

So…off to the very handsome cardiac/thoracic surgeon who greeted me with, “Whoa, you don’t look like my normal patients”. I responded that his waiting room looked like the Walking Dead. This is what happens when you don’t qualify for ‘free’ healthcare until you are older. Even his receptionist asked me if I was waiting for my Mom. His conclusion was that in order to remove it, he would have to deflate a lung, it was not cancerous and best leave well alone with regular scans to check it wasn’t growing.

The final, wonderful, neurosurgeon concurred that it was congenital, including my spinal issue and that surgery hadn’t progressed enough to do anything about my particular spinal issues. Subsequent scans have revealed other cysts in strange places like my bile duct – who would want to live there?? My conclusion is that I ate my twin. My mum’s Ob/Gyn heard two heartbeats but then I arrived alone and prematurely.

I decided not to bother getting another scan until I had two bouts of bronchitis and trouble breathing. I now have a handsome and very flirty lung specialist who sounds exactly like the cat in Shrek. My inner cougar starts to purr… He gave me lots of free inhalers (screw Pharm, VD!) and sent me for a scan. Pumpkin has lost weight – hurrah!! Truth be told, I know immediately when she is increasing in size because you can feel it. I have grown to love her and I am sorry I ate my twin – it was survival of the fittest.