The TV scolded me…

Retro TV

Bloody TV!

As many of my lovely followers know, I have a Scottish accent, although I was born in California and am AMERICAN! I work at an airport and am driven to distraction by all the comments about my accent. One Chinese gentleman, with a very thick accent, asked me to speak English….I kept smiling but inside I had jumped over the counter and done a ‘Jackie Chan’ move on him. Mostly, it is all to my advantage, with many, many propositions (some of them are from young, handsome men – the rest I won’t speak about). Unbelievably, I am understood better in Spanish where at least they pronounce their vowels properly. I have to make stupid YMCA signage to show an A or an E, smiling all the time…

Most people think I am Irish (almost right), Swedish (Ya, I can accept that), Australian (really?) or occasionally English (do you want a slap?). Starbucks is a nightmare, unless it is at my place of work, and then everyone knows I like a Vente Skinny Latte (I also have a name badge). At strange Starbucks my coffee can be labeled Kirsty, Katie, Carrie, Kumbaya – anything but Kerry and I still SPELL IT OUT. For some unknown reason Teddy, my husband, decided that we need the new voice recognition remote for our Xfinity system. It can’t understand a bloody thing I say.

The final, hilarious straw came yesterday when we were looking for new series that we had missed On Demand. We had enjoyed watching the last series of The Ship, so I pick up the remote and say “The Ship”. Up comes, “The S***” – Big Brother can’t have misunderstood cuss words on the TV! I started laughing and tried again – same answer. Finally, on the third attempt, the TV said, “Sorry, I don’t handle demands with that type of language. Try again”. WTF!! I was swearing like a sailor while uncontrollably laughing. The only way it would understand me was if I imitated a thick East Texan accent.

This is a link to a hilarious sketch by two Scottish comedians who are in a voice recognition elevator or lift. (Click on the red) You might not understand all of the words but I think you will get the gist and feel a little of my pain. All the Scots I know in Texas just have to say the word “Eleven” and we all fall about laughing. On our recent break to Tampa the fancy elevators, in the Grand Hyatt Hotel, had a Scottish accent. Every time it said “Going Down” I felt I was being propositioned by a Scottish call girl. I hope there were no cameras in the elevator because Teddy and I were being very rude about it. Not that it matters, they wouldn’t understand us anyway!

This is a link to my very well enunciated accent. Kerry chatting.

Roman Bacchanal

kerry snake 15 002

Well, this is my interpretation of a Roman goddess for the 2015 Texas Renaissance Festival….or it’s just a slut with a snake. Either way, I was having fun! We were desperate to go to the festival this year but the weather has been wet every weekend. Finally, I checked the weather forecast and Sunday was cool but sunny. We asked our newly single friend if he would come with us (he and my husband are having a wee bromance) and we happily set off early on Sunday morning. It should have taken us an hour to get to Plantersville, (back of beyond), north-west of Houston but there were two fire engines, one ambulance and THREE BLOODY TRAINS on route. I don’t know if it is the same all over the states but here the trains are carrying everything from cars to rocks from the port of Houston to the rest of the US, and it can take 20 minutes or more for one train to pass a crossing.

Anyway…2 hours or more later we finally arrived at the site. We are usually too cheap to pay $10 for the premier parking but our friend wisely suggested that he did. It was so busy that we might have parked in another county (really). Let’s call our friend, Travis. Travis had been there before with other friends who had children. Big mistake – that means you can’t watch the filthy shows. Our favorite is the Fakespearian show, Sound and Fury, and we love the puerile, college humor. By the time we ate Ye Olde fish and chips, posed with snakes and started drinking mead, the light was beginning to fade.
My husband and I normally go early, leave while it is still light and dress a bit more casually. I felt I had to step it up this year because we had company, so got the cleavage out and fishnet tights on albeit with flat sandals. Oh my, there were some interesting propositions! I suppose we looked a bit strange – two men with a woman? First we met some friends of Travis – a nice looking couple in their late 30s with children. They were very charming and the man kissed my hand as we left. I remarked on that to Travis and he replied, “Oh, they swing”. I think he should have told me that before I outrageously flirted… Immediately after I saw one of my favorite contractors, in a kilt, and ran up to give him a hug. It was only afterwards that I noticed his wife giving me the ‘look’. ‘WTF’, said her eyes. I stumbled over my mead ridden words, explaining that I didn’t normally dress like that. Truth be told, I usually wear something revealing to get the best price – works every time.

Towards the end of the evening, Travis said that he NEEDED to see some belly dancers, so off we went. As they were watching the show I went up to get some food and drink and got chatting to a barely dressed handsome gladiator standing next to me. He was admiring my crown or something and he told me all about his costume that he had made. Then he pointed out the scratches that his wife had made to enhance the effect. Without skipping a beat he said, “If you let me kiss your husband, then I will kiss you”. Chatty Kerry was struck dumb but then recovered enough to say, “It has been really nice to meet you”. I think he thought the young one, Travis, was my husband… As I turned around his wife also gave me the evil eye. ‘What?’ I thought, ‘I am drunk, dressed like a slut and so are you’! Click on the red link to see some more fun photos. ROMAN BACCHANAL, click here