Kerry for Queen

I even have a crown...

I even have a crown…

CAUTION – this post might make you laugh.

It’s pretty obvious that the USA is no longer able to deal with a democracy. Fifty percent of the populace thinks the other half is bonkers/loco/crazy and now they are rioting over a legal democratic process that the President Elect assured us previously would be rigged/illegal/fraudulent (or words to that effect). If we believed him then perhaps he would be kind enough to stand down and let us vote again? He seems to be creating a family business at the White House so if you are prepared to put up with nepotism and demagoguery, why not try something new? Kerry for Queen of America!!

To reassure you, I have absolutely no intention of being the titular head of a broken democracy. No, no – this will be a benevolent monarchy with Teddy as Prince Consort. I have plenty of evidence to prove that I am qualified to be Queen. I have Native American, Hispanic and European genetics. My ancestors were Kings, Queens and Emperors so there is the blue blood (strangely it looks red in a syringe…)

If you think the Vikings settled in the USA first, then I have that covered as a descendant of Ragnar Lothbrok, King of Uppsala. For those people who believe the Irish got here in coracles first (I will pray for you) but can tick that box too (in spades). For the normal people who think the Native Americans were our first settlers – snap! My European ancestors arrived around the 1600s, pilgrims to the east, conquistadors to the west. Let’s face it, I am as royal an American as you can get and I am even related to Princess Diana (distantly). That will satisfy People Magazine, the National Enquirer and our other fine newspapers. Why would you be obsessed with the Kardashians – they are Armenian?? (I am hoping I don’t have any Armenian followers…)

So, this is what I am going to do –

1. Tell the truth. I know, it’s shocking and you will find it hard to believe that a business major has the capacity to sniff out corruption and expose it.

2. Uphold the legal system and fix the loopholes. Can you cope with all this sensible stuff?

3. Diplomacy not war will be my mantra. I have the utmost confidence in that because I can talk the hind legs of a donkey and make grown men whimper with delight at my Scottish accent. I speak bad Arabic, French and Spanish but beautifully accented with the rolling rrrrr! Anyone who mocks my Scottish accent will disappear.

4. I was born in the USA (San Francisco, 1970 1960) but the Birthers will be delighted to know that I don’t have the long form certificate. That is of little consequence to me as Queen. There is a very large mental health section of Houston’s largest prison and they will go there forthwith.

Despite my fabulousness, I can’t do this alone and will rely on trusted advisers.

Royal Physician Not only does the Queen need to keep in tip-top condition but I will need some help with our health service. All health insurance companies will be non-profit and AUDITED! No-one will ever charge $200 for a bag of saline again. Big Pharma – watch out. We still own Guantanamo…

Sir Nicholas will help write my speeches. They need to be witty, droll with a touch of cynicism to balance my cuddliness.

Ser Patrick will help find my dragons – no need for riot control anymore or KKK.

Sir Terry will help balance my need to use the dragons with his general niceness.

Lady Osyth is married to 2Brains. King Teddy has one in his head and one in his ass but that might not be enough.

General Cox will be my military advisor. He knows the need for strong military and the folly of war.

• King Teddy will be in charge of Energy. He produces enough gas to power Texas…

WordPress has provided me with so many excellent advisors. Lady Stephanie can make sure I don’t wear my ‘cleaning the house castle with bleach’ clothes too often. Lady Lynne and Lady Gail will make sure that all children have a healthy meal each day and that no one should live in a food desert. Gas stations are not grocery stores – gourmet food trucks will accept food stamps in the short term until we can turn the richest country in the world into one with no poverty.

Sorry, I started to show my real feelings there and this is a funny post… Lady Aquileana and Sir Peter, Greek and Latin scholars, will make sure that we learn from history’s mistakes. I may have missed some critical advisers but worry not, heads may roll. Out with the old, in with the new.

Long live Queen Kerry! As a final unctuous note, none of my advisers have been asked to participate in this new kingdom. It is unnecessary as this is a monarchy…remember the dragons!

The Bluebonnet Saga

Texas Bluebonnets in Mercer Arboretum

Texas Bluebonnets in Mercer Arboretum

All the Texans will immediately know what bluebonnets are but for the rest of the world they are a small, indigenous Texan wildflower that grows prolifically on verges or prairie in the springtime. My first thought was that they looked like little Lupines (and they are). When we moved into our brand new house, 11 years ago, we were delighted that our township planted the verges along the walking paths with thousands of bluebonnets. I think the first year everything was fine – we loved looking at them. By the second year, locals and outsiders alike had discovered that they could take the annual Bluebonnet shot (grandchildren sitting in bluebonnets) just north of Houston instead of going into the hill country.

Our street was outraged because if you sit on them, you kill them and they won’t come up the following year. All you could see were sad little broken stems. In a large area, they seed easily so there is not such a problem. Not only that, we had PAID for them in our outrageously high rates! One quick thinking neighbor put out an adorable little sign that said –

PLEASE DON’T SIT ON US. BLUEBONNETS ARE VERY DELICATE AND WILL NOT GROW NEXT YEAR. THANK YOU FOR BEING CONSIDERATE.

My sign would have been more like this –

GET YOUR RED NECKED IGNORANT ASSES OFF MY BLUEBONNETS – REVENGE WILL BE MINE. F*** OFF BACK TO YOUR OWN NEIGHBORHOOD OR I WILL GET MY GUN.

On the lighter side, my friend and I hatched so many nefarious plots to get rid of them that it kept DESPICABLE US amused during the slow murder of our bluebonnets. Her plan was the most achievable – we dig up a nest of fire ants and put them in the middle of the verge. I wondered about getting some snakes from my reserve but they might have killed them too. Blow darts are always a consideration in my mind (native ancestry, perhaps?) but I don’t know how to get the poison delivered. Do you think Amazon delivers that kind of thing? I think what incensed me the most that they actually blocked our street with their stupid red neck family vehicles.

This is not a Disney story – there is no happy ending. Over a period of years they systematically killed our bluebonnets. Finally, to our relief, the township decided that it was more sensible to seed a variety of wildflowers which change every year. As much as I loved the bluebonnets, I am just as happy with poppies, Indian Blankets, Indian Paintbrushes and the ubiquitous but cheery pink and red poppies.

The verges look like this now

The verges look like this now

A rosy rash of poppies!

A rosy rash of poppies!

Was Donald Trump embarrassed?

160124_2973575_Palin_Endorsement_Cold_Open(1)

courtesy of Saturday Night Live, NBC

I can’t tell the difference between Tina Fey and Sarah Palin. Both looked like demented Tea Party emus. Did you know that the crazy sweater sold out immediately – who the heck bought it? If it is one of my followers, unfollow me immediately! On the original video of the real Sarah Palin endorsing Donald Trump, I swear that once she started gesticulating and talking the usual nonsense even he looked embarrassed. It is a political marriage made in Disney Hell. It’s kind of funny but very scary at the same time. Did you know that the British government had a debate about whether Donald Trump should be banned from the UK? They had to respond to the massive public outcry and petition. Isn’t that a clue that the rest of the world would have some small issues with the Donald being President?

I have a feeling that all these polls about how popular each politician is, are ‘lies, damn lies and statistics’. I remember a previous boss being very annoyed at me for expressing this opinion at a public debate. Having studied statistics I know that the results can be skewed to say whatever you want it to. We are getting political calls nonstop and I just slam down the phone with cuss words (its a recorded message so I am offending no-one apart from my Muslim cats).

Don’t bother watching the real video, this one on SNL is so much fun SNL video Palin endorsing Trump Perhaps what I find even funnier is that Ted Cruz, who I think is an acolyte of Lucifer, is actually Canadian, which perhaps proves my point… Relax Canadians – that was humor, eh? Some of us Texans are embarrassed that he claims to be Texan. Politics in the States is so much fun! 🙂

Thank all the holiday workers

kerryxmasvol2

Crazed Christmas Volunteer

This photo shows you that I am not vain…I look like I should be involuntarily held somewhere! In my defense, this was 8 am on Christmas morning and I was running out the door to volunteer. Most people, that I helped, were very grateful with one or two exceptions. Now I think they may just have been frightened. I had a hangover from Christmas Eve and I am sure that three coffees later I looked okay.

I had one Grinch moment when a member of staff fist-bumped me for saying ‘Merry Christmas’ instead of Happy Holidays. Really? I am not politically correct, in any case, but it was the 25 December. Just to demonstrate – this guy is a horse’s ass. 🙂 Do you remember to wish your Indian colleagues, a Happy Diwali or Happy Hanukkah to your Jewish friends? It is perfectly okay for institutions to wish everyone a Happy Holiday when there are so many different religious festivals around the winter solstice. When was the last time you wished anyone a Spiritual Solstice on the 21st, eh? Did you offer to run naked around the woods with them – what kind of friend are you???

Almost to prove the point, I don’t know how many Muslims, Hindis and Sikhs wished me a Merry Christmas and they really enjoyed that I gave up my time to help them. After five chaotic hours, I could feel the the Christmas spirit disappearing and desperately needing some of the other ‘Spirit’. It struck me that we never really notice when the Pakistani gas station employee, for example, is working on Thanksgiving or Ramadan.

Finally, I’m not really thanking myself. Most volunteers love what they do. No comments about keeping the Christ in Christmas – only positive comments allowed!!! HAPPY HOLIDAYS…lol!

Facebook is the work of the devil…

I have a Facebook account – it’s evil. This is my second one. The first one was in my current real name when Facebook was at its zenith. After two weeks I could feel a psychiatric break coming on and cancelled it. They sent me dire warnings that the sun would fall out of the sky, I would be flayed alive and that I would never, ever be able to have a Facebook account.

Beelzebub Mark Zuckerberg is running a dictatorial empire that would make Darth Vader blush. I really wanted to keep a Facebook account because I intended to write my book (check), create a blog (check) and use Facebook for marketing purposes. I sneakily created one in my maiden name. His malevolent algorithms hunted me down and Princess Leia was revealed again.

Why do I hate it so much? Do you want a list?

• Facebook users write mundane crap all the time
• Many use it to bully, boast or bore us to death
• Facebook tries very hard not to allow you to filter ‘friends’
• Facebook bullies the users into doing exactly what they say
• Users are afraid not to use it because the herd will reject them, they will miss    out on crucially important information and they can’t be nosy anymore.

Occasionally I confront people about their need for Facebook. Sometimes they are honest and say they are nosy – kudos for telling the truth. Others say that they need it for their business and that is the only acceptable answer. Yet more say that it helps them keep in touch with family, easily, and reach out to lost friends. My counter to that is – why are you so rude and lazy that you didn’t at least write a Christmas card to all your friends and relatives every year? I have kept in touch with friends from school, college, work and almost all the family that I know. That meant in pre-email times I had to – wait for it – get a pen and write a note or pick up the damn telephone.

Truthfully, there is a part of me that would really like to bask in schadenfreude and read the stupid posts. I know I am doomed for hell because I ask one of my good friends who is still on Facebook to tell me all the juicy faux pas. Sometimes she even forwards something appalling… I still think it was something the world would have been happier without. Most of us, even in the third world, have cellphone and email. A Google search usually finds someone you have lost or Ancestry for your family.

Do you think Beelzebub is going to litigate? Is this post slanderous? I bloody well hope so. 🙂

Bah Humbug…