Mature Conversation

Teddy asked, “What’s the difference between Queer and Gay?” Kerry scoffed, “Gosh, you really are old, aren’t you?”  She then Googles it because she doesn’t know the difference either.  Later she explained the difference to Teddy who said, “What does the plus stand for in LBGTQ+?” “I have no idea” she responded. “I don’t think we need to know at our age…”

“Good morning, Kathleen” said Teddy referencing that Kerry looked like her mother while staring vacantly into the middle distance in her beloved lilac dressing gown.  “Feck off” responded Kerry.

“She’s nae bonny, is she?” said Teddy to Kerry while they were watching a dreadful reality show.  The girl was a tad plain. “Do you remember your mum and that poor girl’s prom dress?” responded Kerry who was referencing an incident back in the 1970s when Nessie, a skilled seamstress, persuaded a girl, quite overweight, not to choose a white fabric.  “What was the expression she used”, asked Kerry. “She would have looked like a galleon in full sail”  And that was her trying to be kind.

“Would you like a savory snack, Sir?” asked Kerry, with her best impression of a British Airways flight attendant with a London accent.  “Yes please, Miss!” responded Teddy in a high-pitched dweeby London accent.

Teddy grabbed his wife’s delectable ass while passing her in the kitchen.  Kerry laughingly responded with the expression she has been using for 40 years, “Don’t touch what you can’t afford!”  This evoked a play chase around the house with Kerry screaming for her husband not to touch her.  Over the years, the chasing has become a bit more sedate and they both collapse on the bed with no further action.  Sometimes Kerry begs, “Don’t squeeze me – something awful might happen!”  Teddy responds, “We don’t have to bring up your family’s bowel and bladder problems…”  Hysterical laughing followed by a rushed trip to the bathroom.

Teddy starts a monologue, “I need…blah…Amazon…blah…cable…blah.” Ad infinitum.  After he finishes, Kerry says, “You have just wasted another five minutes of my rapidly diminishing life cycle.  Do whatever the Feck you want.”

“Can you get me the industrial vinegar from the garage, Ted?” asked Kerry.  Some time passes with clattering in the garage.  Kerry shouts “If I have to come in and find it, you are in so much trouble!” “It’s not here!” he exclaims.  Kerry walks into the garage, opens the first cupboard and it is right in front of them.  Teddy is futtering about in the second cupboard – every shelf is labelled.  Kerry sighs in exasperation.

Teddy and Kerry are watching a French movie on Netlix. “Ecoutez!” booms the French actor “…et répétez!” shouted Teddy and Kerry in unison.  Their shared experience of the Scottish education system sets off some familiar phrases.  “Ma tante ouvre la fenêtre!” says Kerry.  Teddy responds, “Mon oncle trouve la plume!”  They lose track of the movie.

With no segue, Kerry states “I haven’t found a foolproof way to kill you since they put bittering agent in anti-freeze”.  Teddy gives her a withering stare and she cackles.

Kerry is doing something in the bedroom when a hulking creature appears at the doorway.  She screams, “Stop creeping about the bloody house!” “I live here, too” he responds sadly.

“I think we need to cut down the wine” said either Kerry or Teddy.  A few hours later, “Are you still not drinking or would you like a glass of wine?”  “Yes, please!”

Kerry is reading while on the toilet, against her gastroenterologist’s advice.  Teddy walks in and says, “There you are! I have been looking for you everywhere.  The back door was unlocked but the front door is still locked and I was worried”.  Kerry shouts, “I miss my privacy since you retired.  GET OUT!”

Teddy, “ I love you to Pluto and back!”

Kerry, “I love you to Alpha Centauri and back!”

Say NO to aspirational New Year’s Resolutions!

I am really old and wise – aspirational resolutions are silly.  They give us false expectations or make us feel pompous until we inevitably fail.  Here is a list of practical ones –

 

  • Try to poo every day. That means you are eating fiber and you might even lose weight.  It also keeps toilet tissue manufacturers in business.

 

  • Smile at everyone. The worst that can happen is that someone thinks you are crazy or hearing voices.  The best is that you find a new friend or make someone’s day.

 

  • Use your common sense. Millennials – google common sense and try to incorporate it into your life.  It’s like skateboarding but more fun.

 

  • Choose an appropriate seat at Starbucks. One person needs a small table.  If you choose otherwise, 40 miles north of Houston, a strange Scottish lady will come up to you and ask you to move from the table with 6 seats that she needs for her friends.

 

  • On the same topic, get a more appropriate office.

 

  • Try to remember which airline your relative flew on and which city they left from in Latin America/South East Asia/Africa. It helps the frazzled volunteers.

 

  • Rescue an animal or check on an elderly neighbor. Try not to cry when the cat hisses at you or the neighbor says, “I’m fine” and shuts the door in your face.  Remember I write with experience.

 

  • Try to read global news from reputable sources – even real news is biased. It might make you realize your life is blessed.  Think about Puerto Rico.

 

  • Whilst perusing the World Wide Web, try to avoid following those topics that we know rot our brain. ‘Caitlyn and Kris Jenner get married again’, for example.  Nooooooo!

 

  • Say ‘Hell No!’ to political correctness. Here is an example – Our President is an ass wipe and not the nice Preparation H ones.

 

  • Read your horoscope. It’s all unicorn and rainbows. You will meet the man of your dreams in 2018, write that book and win the lottery. Promise.

 

  • Be good or you will go to hell. This is gospel from a lapsed Catholic…

 

Happy Halloween!

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What can I say? We love staying at home with the lights on to encourage the trick or treaters. Most of our street is full of empty nesters or older folks so we adore our little ones. We decided to invite some of our friends around while we waited for visitors, and they came!!! Four little princesses, mutants and whatever else they were. I am sure they were a little scared by the old people in their cat PJs and hippy t-shirts but we had great fun as did our guests.

I have gone to bed with my cat make-up on because I have had a few refreshments. Sure will get a shock in the morning when I look in the mirror!