Life has been unintentionally hilarious in our house and I thought I would share our silliness.
ACT ONE
Scene – Teddy had to have yet another cardiac test and he confided in his ever-loving wife that he was ‘a bit fed up with his health issues’ Instantaneously his wife transmogrified into Nurse Ratched.
NURSE RATCHED (screeching) –
“How many times over the years (40 to be exact) have I suggested that you moderate your bad habits? I hope you enjoyed every bloody cigarette, bottle of Pinot Noir and all those business lunches! Every time I said something to you, you responded that life was too short and it is all about quality of life not quantity.”
(Nurse Ratched pauses for breath)
“You had your quality of life and I hope you REALLY ENJOYED IT!! How dare you complain about your self-inflicted health problems! If you hadn’t been married to me you would be DEAD by now…like our friends X,Y and Z.”
(Nurse Ratched is incredibly relieved to shed her Joan of Arc armor and reveal her truth. Teddy looks stricken…)
Before anyone panics, we laughed about this afterwards and it is even funnier when I reenact Act One. I have returned to the Fantastic Frau who manages Teddy’s future life with German efficiency. Even better, Teddy has had the all clear from the cardiologist and doesn’t see him again until 2023. Woo hoo! He still has to stick to his Leibchen’s regimen (no salt/no alcohol/no caffeine) but the anomalies noted on the tests were just age-related cardiac problems. He is actually fitter than most 64-year-old ‘first world’ men.
ACT TWO
Scene – Teddy and Kerry were watching the News and much of it was depressing. We are so angry at our Governor in Texas who would like to turn our state into a Taliban province. Women’s rights are going down the toilet and I don’t even have to mention gun sales. The conversation started cycling downwards into a “should we have moved here – what is wrong with American society – pretty soon it will feel like living in a central American war zone”
Kerry – “Well, aren’t we prophets of doom?” she said laughingly
Teddy – “Maybe we should get DC-13 tattoos?”
Kerry falls sideways in hysterical laughter…
(DC-13 is a reference to MS-13, a notorious gang of immigrants from El Salvador, who settled in Los Angeles. Sometimes they emblazon MS -13 on their foreheads. They also tattoo teardrops under their eyes to show how many kills they have made. Most streets in our ‘hood’ are what an English friend referred to Dingley Dell names. Bluebonnet Bayou, Live Oak Lane, Primrose Pond. Our cul-de-sac has the worst name. It starts with a D and ends in Court. No one, not even the locals, can pronounce it as it is French – WHY? Every call to a utility company is a nightmare with Alpha, Bravo, Delta spellings. Puffy the Pine Cone is our cute township mascot.)
Kerry – “What do we do about the tear drops?
Teddy – “How about little pine cones to represent the poor little critters that have passed away?”
Kerry (Giggling) – “We could wear tasteful taupe bandanas with little pine trees on them. I could have a titmouse tattoo on my breast!”
(That made Teddy collapse in laughter as Kerry had previously given him a visual image aid so that he could remember the name of the little grey bird with a crest. Now I just need to touch my breast and Titmouse comes to his mind.)
ACT THREE
Scene – Kerry regularly emails with her friend who lives right across the road. The last two emails from the friend have ended up in Kerry’s spam box. She retrieved them and they discussed why this happened. The friend thought that perhaps it was mention of colonoscopy in the thread? The title of her next email made Kerry laugh out loud.
Email 1 – your auto warranty /cheap Viagra pills/ lose weight fast/fix your credit rating
(This slipped right past the spam filter – why??? Much hilarious laughter from Kerry who responded)
Email 2 – Filthy sex video…
Email 3 – Horny Housewives have huge hairdos
Email 4 – Walk in Tubs/ Secret Medicare Benefits/Discreet Incontinence Pads
Email 5 – Humongously hung hunks hoovering houses
Email 6 – Real Romance with Racy Ravishing Russians /Relaxing Rubdown for Rubels
Not one was caught by our spam filters! You can see that our excellent further education was not wasted. The alliteration, imagination and vulgarity!
Sometimes you just need to see the ridiculous side of life. Hope I made you titter… 😊
Postscript
It’s probably not necessary to explain the title photo but it was Halloween and we were in ‘quality not quantity of life’ stage as you can tell by the beer/pinot noir belly and my double chins…
Postcards from Kerry 